Humorous Speech Contests 2010: ARE YOU READY?

Having moved on from the role of Area Governor, I was looking forward to joining the contest circuit again and raring to go.  This speech about parenting had been brewing in my mind for a long time. 

I presented it at my club contest and it was a hit with the audience.  At the PA 7th Humorous Speech contest, I sailed through to the finals with the speech, although I felt it was lacklustre compared to the other speeches.  At the Area Z3 contest, I was 1st runner-up.  


Here's the speech. Enjoy reading it. =)

ARE YOU READY?           
                   

GOOD EVENING ladies and gentlemen,

How many of you here have kids?

How many of you here have kids but wish you didn’t?

(either respond: Looks like I'm the only honest person here tonight. 

Or Wow, I found my soulmates!)

For the lucky ones who do not have kids, who would like to have kids one day?

I’m sure you think babies are cute and adorable right?  Wrong!!

That is a misguided notion, a misconception, a myth.

Babies are cute and adorable only when (1) they belong to someone else and (2) you only need to spend 5 minutes with them.  Try being the main caregiver having to spend hours and hours with a baby day in and day out and you will certainly change your mind.

Potential parents, are you ready for the challenges of parenting? Tonight, allow me to enlighten you regarding the sacrifices and challenges of parenting from a mother's perspective.

First, the sacrifices.  As a parent, there are 3 Ses you must be prepared the sacrifice. The first S is SLEEP.  This unfortunately applies mostly to mothers. Do you know that new mothers develop enhanced sensitivity to sound? This has been scientifically proven to be part of women's maternal wiring. That means mothers wake easily even to the slightest rustle or whimper of the baby. Unlike the husbands who will just continue to snore and sleep on like a baby. The only time they will wake up in the middle of the night is during World Cup season.

The second S is a three-letter word. Yes, SEX!!! Which in all fairness, applies mostly to fathers.  Many husbands have lamented the fact that they are relegated to second place once baby comes along.  And babies are the biggest sex killer of all.  When mothers are exhausted with breastfeeding and feeling unsexy with all the postnatal weight gain, what is the last thing on their minds? That probably explains why the red light district in Geylang has such a thriving business.

The third S is SANITY.  A thousand and one things about bringing up kids will drive you crazy.  You can go crazy when baby cries and cries non-stop and nothing you do will pacify him. Or the food you have painstakingly prepared for baby ends up on the floor instead of in his mouth. Or when your preschooler comes home spewing some vulgarity he has picked up from school.  The list goes on and on. I can’t even begin to tell you the number of times I’ve felt like giving my kids away.  That is when you need to do some sanity-restoring activities like take a walk in the park, sing karaoke or join a speech contest to pour out your woes, like what I'm doing now.

Now that you’ve heard about the sacrifices of parenting, are you ready to hear about the challenges? Kids will challenge you in 3 ways: They will test your knowledge, they will try your patience and they will question your values.

Children, being creatures of curiosity, will constantly test your knowledge. Sometimes they will ask you the strangest questions. I’ve been asked by my kids: “Why is the moon following us?”; “What animals have no blood?”; “Why can't I see God?”; “Why is that woman so fat?” and so on. Children basically expect their parents to be experts in all fields be it science, zoology, or theology. Thankfully I can use the impromptu speaking skills I have learnt in Toastmasters when put on the spot.

Children try your patience. Do you know that kids love to dawdle especially when you are running late. The more you ask them to hurry, the slower they get. And when you give an instruction, you expect it to be followed NOW, but kids will take their own sweet time especially at bedtime. Joel, come to bed now. Wait mommy I’m hungry, I need to eat something. Or I’m thirsty, I need to drink some water. No wonder the Bible says, "Love is Patient". I'm sure God designed this verse with kids in mind.

Last but not least, kids will question our values. So often we tell our kids to do as we say, but they do as we do.  Which explains why we must be on our best role-model behaviour at all times!! That is such a tall order.  Once I reprimanded my boy, don't talk so rude to mommy, he asked me, "Then why you shout at grandma last time?" Oh boy, was I guilty.  Another time, while driving, a driver cut in front of me, causing me to jam on my brakes.  My 4-year-old son immediately verbalised my thought, "Stupid driver!!" Our children become who we are so unless we practise the values we preach, our kids will definitely question them.

All these challenges can really get you down and beseige you with feelings of frustration and failure.  I'm sure many parents here will agree with me that parenting is the hardest job in the world!

Now that you've heard all about the sacrifices and challenges of parenting, are you ready for it? Don't worry, I have the perfect solution for you.  To be prepared for parenting, we can introduce hands-on practice, like what we do in Toastmasters.  I happen to have 2 very cute and adorable boys who are 4 and 7 years old.  In the spirit of caring and sharing, I am happy to avail them for hire at a very special rate of $20 per day for a minimum of 3 days.  

If after 3 days of hands-on practice, you find the experience tolerable, or even pleasurable, then truly you are ready for the sacrifices and challenges of parenting, the hardest job in the world.