PA Humorous Speech Contest 2010

The finals of the PA 7th Humorous Speech Challenge Cup 2010 was held on Sat 2 Oct 2010 at Nee Soon South CC. I had lost all confidence of winning the contest as the other contestants I had heard at the Preliminary round were very competent speakers and my speech seemed lacklustre in comparison.

I decided to write a new speech for the finals but could not summon the energy to do so till the night before the contest.  This is the first time I enter a contest so unprepared.  I had to use the old speech title 'Are You Ready?' as it was already printed in the program booklet even though my new speech title was 'How to Train a Man'. During the speech, I forgot my lines: I lost the 2nd paragraph and some lines in the closing.  Thankfully, I was able to recover quite well.  The audience laughter was loudest during the part about rewards for men, especially the 2nd F.  

Surprise ending? I was placed 2nd runner-up!!! I had left the contest early to go back to work and when I received congratulatory smses from my friends and fellow Katong members, I was astounded, stunned and speechless.  


Here's the speech that helped me win 3rd prize:

HOW TO TRAIN A MAN

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful girl called Snow White.  She eventually met her Prince Charming and they lived happily ever after.

Good afternoon, distinguished judges, ladies and gentlemen, how many of you believe in happily ever after?

(Wow so many innocent souls out there! or All of you are as cynical as I am?)

When I was a young and innocent little girl, I believed in "happily ever after" but not anymore, especially NOT after I got married because the Prince Charming I had married had somehow mutated into Mr Alarming!! When I asked my married girlfriends, it seems this mutation is quite universal.

Before marriage, my man was absolutely endearing, invariably patient and unconditionally helpful.  For example, he would help me mark my students' assignments (I used to be a teacher) or go the extra mile to buy some food I was craving for.  When we go out on dates, he would tell me how beautiful I looked.  Now I even have to ask him what he thinks of my new haircut because he would barely notice.

Seeing how many celebrity couples have split up and even friends going through divorce, I realised marriage requires hard work. I read up all kinds of marriage self-help books and came to the conclusion: I have to train my man so that we could live, if not happily, at least tolerably together ever after.

Based on the collective wisdom of many authors, the secret to training a man involves CPR. C for consequences, P for punishment and R for Rewards.  

The prelude to this rigorous training is first to establish what kinds of behaviours are off-limits in the marriage.  For example, do not leave your dirty socks or clothes on the floor, place them in the laundry basket.  Do not leave your wet towel lying around, place it on the railing in the toilet.  When I talk to you about my problems, just listen, don't offer solutions.  Of course the list will differ for each couple.  You will find that some actions lend themselves to logical consequences.  If you leave your dirty clothes on the floor instead of in the laundry basket, then they don't get washed.  After a while, he should get the message.  Impose a corresponding consequence for each offending action and keep to it consistently.  

For actions that do not have logical consequences, that's when PR comes in.  You impose your own consequences in the form of punishment or reward.

There are many ways to punish a man but the 3 most effective ways are emotional blackmail, silent treatment and hide-and-seek.

Emotional blackmail includes crying, throwing tantrums or acting hysterical and should be used sparingly only for serious offences for it to be effective.  

Silent treatment involves totally ignoring him for at least 24 hours, if it's only 2 or 3 hours, it won't be effective. In fact, one website eHow.com recommends 1-2 days of silent treatment, and increase to 2-3 days if the offence is repeated.

Hide-and-seek means you hide, he seeks.  This is my personal favourite.  It involves hiding something of great importance to him such as the air-con or tv remote control  When he asks for it, 'Dear, where is the remote control?', just feign ignorance.

Punishment must be painful for it to be effective.  On the other hand, when your man performs well, do reward him as positive reinforcement.  I suggest the 3Fs.

The first F is for food.  It has been said that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.  Keep a copy of makan sutra at home and let him know which dish or recipe he will get to enjoy for his efforts.

The second F is for fantasy.  Keep a copy of karma sutra at home and let him know which position he gets to enjoy for being good.  Better still, play dress up as a nurse, schoolgirl or sex siren (on different occasions of course!) to give him the illusion he is making out with different women.  I am sure this will be an effective antidote to unfaithfulness.

The 3rd F is freedom.  Give him freedom to do whatever he wants but within limits of course.  He gets some 'me-time' to enjoy his macho activities like watching soccer or fishing with his buddies.

So there you have it: CPR - the way to train a man.  However, there is a caveat.  There are some things you just can't train a man to do.  For example, it has been socially confirmed and scientifically proven that men can only do one thing at a time.  I can't talk to my husband when he is driving because he will miss a turn and say it's my fault.  According to author Allan Pease, men's brains are specialised, compartmentalised, and configured to concentrate on one specific dedicated task at once.  So no point training your man how to multi-task because he just won't get it.  

In conclusion, marriage is hard work.  Ladies, use CPR everyday to train your man so you can enjoy living with him under the same roof and perhaps even find your 'happily ever after'.